grandma shit on top of the toilet
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
