so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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