My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
