new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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