i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
