We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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