did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
