I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize