So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
