I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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