you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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