make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
