I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
