well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
