i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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