You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
