Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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