Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
