He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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