I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
