please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
