i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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