There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
