Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
