How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
