I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
