I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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