i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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