you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
