i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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