Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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