I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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