1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
