PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize