There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize