Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
