I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
