I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
