But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
