I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
