When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
