Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
