I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
