if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
