she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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