We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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