After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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