This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
