Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
