I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
