I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
