Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
