Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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