im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
