New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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