I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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